We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
