I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
