just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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