I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
