I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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