11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
