She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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