There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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