i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
