She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
