I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
