you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
