listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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