I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
