Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
