You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
