he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
