I am in a vortex of obligation.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
