not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Is that strawberry winking at me??
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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