he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
