I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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