i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
