Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
