I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
