when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
