Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
