I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
