Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just found puke in my bra..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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