"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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