I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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