I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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