i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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