where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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