The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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