We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
