dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
