Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
