stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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