Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
