I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
