i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
