You made me cry and you don't even care
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
