I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
