So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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