now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
