Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
did you just send me my own nude
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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