she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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