im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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