Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
