when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
